Omelet Device

From: stevenf@key880.rain.com (Steven Frank)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer
Subject: A little comp.sys.amiga.humor
Message-ID: <stevenf.02js@key880.rain.com>
Date: 11 Aug 93 04:49:10 GMT
Organization: the key880 bulletin board system


    Hello!

    In light of recent uproar on certain networks, and of my own
    insatiable curiousity, I have compiled a list of secret, contraband
    information!

    By speaking with some developers, who flagrantly violated their
    non-disclosure agreements after I offered them free bottles of
    "Snapple", and splicing together information taken from the net,
    I present you the public with this exciting list of "What's New
    in Amiga Release 4".  Yes, information on the up-and-coming 4.0
    operating system, retrieved from _highly reliable_ net sources.

    So let's get down to details...

DEVICES

    My my, what interesting things Commodore has been doing to your
    beloved DEVS: directory.  Eyebrows will be raised at a future
    World of Commodore show, that's for sure!

    Two bold, new devices are being developed for 4.0. The first of which
    is the omelet.device.

    The omelet.device affords the developer easy interaction with omelets,
    and derivations thereof (such as scrambled eggs).  The tried-and-true
    device interface still holds, but sports exciting new functions like:

    ODCMD_SMELL_LIKE_EGGS and ODCMD_COOL_DOWN_AND_BECOME_RUBBERY

    (Apparently, Commodore intends to split the latter function into two
    separate functions (ODCMD_COOL_DOWN, and ODCMD_BECOME_RUBBERY) to
    support more advanced omelets, by 4.1.  However, the joint function
    will be retained for backwards compatibility and convenience.)

    Currently, the only supported interface is to plug the omelets
    directly into the PCMICA slot on your A1200, since "nobody was using
    it anyway".  A board is in the works for A4000 users, which will
    provide the same interface, as well as a small griddle for preparing
    bacon, or hash browns.

    I think we can clearly see Commodore's progress towards SIC (Stove-
    Independent Cooking) and RTB (ReTargetable Breakfast).

    Here is a brief excerpt from the first draft of the 4.0 Devices ROM
    Kernal Manual:

        The omelet.device provides a direct communications link between
        the Amiga and any Zorro-III conformant omelet.  This device was
        created for two primary reasons:

        1) To make the Amiga "IMSO 2.01"-compliant.  [ed. note: IMSO is
           the International Meal Standards Organization.]

        2) Because we feel we will have a damn good laff when we see
           Apple and Microsoft adding omelet support to _their_ operating
           systems and claiming to have invented it.

    The second new device appearing in 4.0 is a more general-purpose
    device, which will be of use to a far greater audience: the long-awaited
    pantsbuster.device.

    In much the same way that the narrator.device provides indirect access
    to the audio.device to generate synthesized speech, the
    pantsbuster.device interacts with the audio.device to produce.. er..
    realistic-sounding... umm.. bodily sound-effects.

    Here is a direct clip from the include file "devices/pantsbuster.h"
    which shows the TagItems available for potential developers.  Since
    comments have not yet been added, we may only guess as to their
    functions:

        #define PB_Preset       PB_TagBase+1
     [ed. note: apparently, the device supports a number of preset
     celebrity sound effects, ranging from PB_CHER to PB_DAN_RATHER]

        #define PB_Magnitude    PB_TagBase+2
        #define PB_Reverb       PB_TagBase+3
        #define PB_Echo         PB_TagBase+4
        #define PB_Feedback     PB_TagBase+5
        #define PB_Rate         PB_TagBase+6

    Other sources add that the pantsbuster.device will include a
    function similar to the one in the speech synthesis code
    which allows a program to draw a mouth in the shape of the spoken
    word.  No further information is available...

LIBRARIES

    There have been a number of small changes made here and there to
    the LIBS: directory, but there has been only one major addition.
    The highly-acclaimed counterpart to asl.library: rsn.library.

    The rsn.library acts as server to a database of rumors about
    upcoming Amiga hardware revisions and OS updates, described as
    being released "Real Soon Now".

    One call to RSN_GenerateRumor() is enough to cure the developer
    of any unsettling fears that his machine may be facing obselesence.

    rsn.library is a spectacularly coded piece of software.  In the
    event that both the ROM and disk-based rumor lists are expleted,
    rsn.library maintains a direct TCP-IP connection with UseNet,
    with which it downloads new messages from comp.sys.amiga groups
    to replenish the rumor databases.  Some functions can even be used
    as callback hooks for the blazemonger.device.

    Curiously, all internal data structures used by the rsn.library
    are implemented as BCPL pointers.  According to
    RSN_GenerateRumor(), Commodore plans to fix this, RSN.


    One other item worth mentioning is the actual implementation
    of the hotly-debated hardware.library, which provides a way for
    demo and game programmers to legally have their programs
    continue to do what they've done all along.  Function prototypes
    include:

     void CrashImmediately(void);
     void QuitWithoutClosingLibrary(struct Library *);
     void QuitWithoutFreeingMem(void *);
     void SimulateRandomSpriteDMA(void);
     void FailOnAcceleratedMachine(void);
     void FailOnFastMemMachine(void);
     void FailOnNTSCMachine(void);
     void FailOnEveryMachineButYours(void);
     void FailAfter(struct DateStamp *);

    So it looks like we'll be able to have the same level of
    quality we've come to expect from demos and games, while
    maintaining complete OS support.  It's about time!


CONCLUSION

    All I can say is that the future looks grand, and I'm looking
    forward to the release of 4.0, and (RSN) 4.1.  Until such
    time, just wait patiently, keep the net abuzz, and just WAIT
    until you hear what I've heard about release 5...

     -- Steven Frank

    ps: Thanks to all the developers, who so casually broke their NDAs.
    You guys know who you are.     And now, so does Commodore.  See ya
    in the funny pages!

    Correspondence:
        stevenf@key880.rain.com    or  
        pantsbuster@moist.rain.com   (yes, of COURSE it's a real address!)

    Be gentle, I've never tried to be funny in front of such a large audience
    before.

    ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

    A big, hearty handshake to Dave Barry for introducing me to the
    word pantsbuster.


--
Steven Frank - stevenf@key880.rain.com

"I knew she was standing there, I just didn't realize that I was belching."
                                                       -- Cabel Sasser